Victim Mindset and how to talk about it

“You have a victim mindset” is the most dangerous thing you can say to a person.

First of all, being a victim is, by definition, facing consequences for a fact that you DID NOT cause.

What does it mean to be a victim?

The Oxford Dictionary says: a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.

Coaching and psychology say: it’s the effect of trauma or experiences that people have lived through, and continue to carry in their bodies, nervous systems, and daily lives.

As you can see, in both cases, there is no fault for the person being a victim.

And here comes the cognitive dissonance of the current narrative:

Mindset coaches and gurus turned the “victim mindset” into an insult. A weakness. A personal failure.

And that’s where the real damage begins.

Things like:

• “You’re addicted to your trauma story.”
• “You’re stuck in victimhood and that’s why your business isn’t working.”
• “If you really wanted to change, you would’ve by now.”
• “Healing is a choice — stop choosing your past.”
  
  

I’m sure you read or heard those sentences over and over again and, at some point, those voices got so loud that you even believed it.

Here’s the thing: without a foundation in psychology, is very easy to believe that narrative.

”If you wanted, you would” is the most powerful and famous motivational mantra of all times.

But it’s plain WRONG.

As a copywriter, I pay a lot of attention to the words I use when writing for myself or my coaching clients. I know that the line between making people feel understood or guilty is thin.

I know it would be MY fault if they feel bad because of my wording choice.

Not theirs. It’s not about their victim mindset.

It’s about how I speak to the conversation they already have in their head in a constructive way rather than a destructive one.

As a coach, ask yourself this:

Would people be more willing to buy your program if they feel bad about themselves of if they feel you get them and know how to help?

The second option, without hesitation.

Nobody wants to feel bad or, in this specific scenario, worse. Cause they are already facing trauma and its consequences, and the last thing they need to hear is that it’s their fault.

Let’s be clear here:

• People who are in this state didn’t choose it.
• They’re in survival mode.
• Their nervous system is still protecting them from real or perceived danger.
• They’ve learned, through trauma, that they are not safe.
  
  

Now, should they take responsibility for this? Of course.

But should they take the blame for what happened to them? No way in hell.

Many people confuse the two.

Here is what taking responsibility IS:

• Yes, I acknowledge I went through something traumatic that shaped my mindset, my actions and my nervous system.
• Yes, I want to feel better.
• Yes, I know it requires effort on my part.
• Yes, I am ready to face my fears and move on.
  
  

Here is what taking responsibility IS NOT:

• What happened is my fault.
• I’m a loser because I don’t know how to feel better.
• If my life is a mess is because of me.
• The trauma is in the past, I should be over it by now.
  
  

So, if you work in the mental health, mindset or personal growth space, you might want to read this post over and over again to make sure your content is not hurting people.

And if someone writes for you, send it to them.

It takes a second to kill hope and dreams.
It takes the same second to save a life instead.